I recently read – well listened – to Brené Brown’s Dare to Lead at the suggestion of a colleague. I initially thought maybe my colleague had some great project she wanted me to lead but, as it turns out, she just thought I should throw a Ted Talk together and do what Brown is doing. While I thought it was a compliment, I was admittedly late to the Brené Brown movement so I decided to listen to the book with an open mind.
It seems that owning our vulnerability is necessary to be a courageous leader, according to Brené Brown. I know I want to be surrounded by brave, honest leaders and want to be one of those to the people around me. Being able to take down the armor, sit with our fears and be honest about them with the people we are trying to motivate and lead is what will allow you to have tough conversations, lead people and change the culture of our environment.
While Brown was sharing her research to apply in leadership positions, I decided to do my own social experiment and integrate it into my own personal world. How could increasing my vulnerability allow me to connect more deeply with others? Could I really undo all the years of “training” in resiliency that many of us are brought up with or have learned through experience? Well, I suppose I didn’t have to undo all of it…but this is where I started.
“Clear is Kind, Unclear is Unkind.” – Brené Brown
Be Honest.
It turned out that being vulnerable was not as hard as I thought it would be. In fact, it was somewhat liberating. I was honest with people even if it meant we might have an uncomfortable conversation and there were some of those. This doesn’t mean I was dishonest before but I definitely shied away from having conversations that I knew could end up being difficult. I avoid conflict. Let me repeat that. I avoid conflict at all costs. But I found that sometimes what I thought would become a conflict, really didn’t. When I spoke to my best friend about something she didn’t come through with despite having had plenty of time to do it, I was expecting a defensive reaction…and I did get one initially. But a couple days later I received a call asking me to say more about it. We proceeded to have a conversation that was well meaning, thoughtful and brought us even closer.
Share your feelings. They matter.
You are going to share your feelings with a person who hurt or angered you in a way they can hear you. Before going on this vulnerability challenge, I might have avoided it altogether because sometimes it is just easier but I decided to give it a try. I repeatedly told Anne who in the past I had been really close but we had, for some reason, grown apart, that I missed her. That’s it. I didn’t place any blame on whose fault it was. I just said “I really miss you.” Initially it was like I was talking to myself. I could feel her walls coming up but I tried again. I expressed how important our relationship was to me and I wanted to close the distance. She couldn’t hear me. But eventually, after using some of Brown’s tools (rumbling with vulnerability anyone?!), I was able to express myself, share my feelings and do so in a way where she was receptive to what I was saying.
Be prepared for some resistance.
So, not all of my conversations or experiences have gone as well as the two instances above. I have asked myself more than a couple times “why did I even bother?” BUT, removing the armor has been somewhat liberating. Did it hurt when I repeatedly asked Joe if we could have some quality time together as I was going through a tough time and could use some support but he just couldn’t hear me or be there for me. Yes, it did hurt – a lot – but we both survived. More importantly, I am trying to be in a place where I can acknowledge that my feelings and needs matter too and it’s not always going to be popular to express it but that’s ok.
So what if I open up, expose myself – BE VULNERABLE – and it’s not received the way I wanted it to? I will have other opportunities. They will have other opportunities to respond differently and maybe the next time when they are put in a similar situation they will rise to the occasion and react differently. I’m hoping if I can lead the conversations and be vulnerable and honest there’s a chance that we can change the culture around us and connect more deeply.
Again, I’m still a little skeptical and haven’t completely swallowed the Brené Brown Kool-Aid, but I do feel less weight and concern around whether to be vulnerable or not. I have incorporated the concept into my therapy practice. Whether you want to grow as a person, possibly connect more with others or lead courageously, I encourage you to explore what’s holding you back. Why is it so hard to say, “I might not have handled this the best way before but I’d like to try again.” Brown’s book brings up some thoughtful tools for life and it seems every leadership meeting I’ve been to in the last three weeks has quoted Brené Brown at least once so…I just might pick up another book.