You are Not Required to Set Yourself on Fire to Keep Other People Warm
– Unknown

This quote is a powerful one.  It spoke to me as I thought about many different situations and people I have seen over the years, in and out of therapy, as well as the struggle to find balance and prioritize my own needs in my own life.  This struggle is particularly challenging for people in relationships where there is chronic illness, addiction or emotional abuse. But it can just as easily be in a relationship where there is inequality of any sort or in situations where it feels like no matter what you do, it’s never enough. Prioritizing your own needs can be difficult for many reasons.

Am I co-dependent?

This is a tricky question. Maybe or maybe not.  What is codependency? Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another.  You may have witnessed a relationship growing up where this dynamic took place, maybe between your parents. Codependency can prevent one from having healthy relationships.  Some consider this dynamic to be a type of relationship addiction because people who are codependent often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.

This is a common dynamic in families where addiction is present.  It is a theme explored in Al-Anon and other support groups.  It can occur where illnesses affect the entire family as this dynamic often dictates how entire family structures operate.  For instance, it’s not uncommon for a parent to make decisions that they think are protecting and supporting their drug dependent child but, in the long term, they may be making decisions that support the child’s destructive behavior and also be at the expense of the parent. Or you may have seen it if one of your parents drank too much and the other parent was consistently making excuses for the other parent’s substance use disorder and the consequences from it.

I don’t think I’m Co-Dependent but I have a hard time saying ‘No’

It doesn’t mean you are codependent to be able to relate to this quote.  This can also apply to individuals who have a hard time saying no or prioritizing their own needs.  Sometimes it seems like no matter what you do or what type of sacrifices you make, the other person just doesn’t appreciate it.  It can be difficult to value yourself enough to put your needs above those of your partner.  It can also be difficult to value yourself and your time to not overcommit yourself.  How many times do you say you will volunteer at the school or church when you really want to go shopping to buy a much needed pair of sneakers or just have an hour or two of alone time?

Valuing your own needs and prioritizing yourself is important.  It doesn’t make you selfish or needy.  By setting boundaries on what you realistically CAN give, it puts you in a position to give support and care to others without feeling like you are setting yourself on fire at the same time.

I don’t think I can do this on my own. Can therapy help me?

Therapy can be very helpful in exploring why you make decisions that don’t support caring for yourself.  It can also help you identify why you seek relationships where you give more of yourself emotionally.  Therapy can help you identify patterns in relationships especially if you feel like your needs are repeatedly not being met.  By working with a therapist, you can develop strategies to break cycles and learn how to value and prioritize your own needs. And, sometimes, it is just helpful to work with someone to get perspective on what is and isn’t working in a relationship in order to reset it and obtain balance again.

While the road to get there may be difficult, therapy can help you get to the point where you have richer, more meaningful relationships leading to greater overall happiness and fulfillment.

 

Aimée Muth, LCSW is a therapist practicing in Old Greenwich. For more information, go to: www.aimeemuthlcsw.com.